Perry's Thought of the Day

The early bird may get the worm but the kind bird helps others get their worms.

Two Notes

Two bits of business to report.

(1) Panini & Rye regrets to announce that one of our first clients, Bust-a-Moves, the Midwest's third-most popular chain of breakdance studios, will be ceasing operations. The Bush years took their toll on this venerable institution. I thank Max Flash for trusting us with his legal needs these past twenty-four years and wish him the best in his future endeavors. Every time I "moon walk" down the hallway, I can thank Max for teaching me that move.

(2) Our friends at the Picayune have weighed in on Panini & Rye's blog. I won't do them the dignity of quoting them at length, but I reject in the most strenuous language that this is "a cheap stunt" and that "it proves that Mr. Rye is oblivious to what goes on in his own firm." I take great pride in keeping my office door open and "hanging" with the staff. I assure everyone that there are no secrets here.

Perry's Thought of the Day

Bees spend their entire lives selflessly working for the betterment of  the hive. Are you making honey or just eating it?

The Final Push to 2009

Welcome back to work (for those who showed up; the hallways seem pretty barren this morning). You might notice a new espresso machine in the break room. I received several on the 25th and believed that it would be good for morale around here for gourmet coffee to be available. All that I ask is that the staff contribute the cost of the coffee and maintenance of the machine. Please speak to Gretchen whether you'd prefer to pay her weekly or have it deducted from your paychecks. 

Perry's Thought of the Day

Go home everyone. Justice delayed for a few days won't kill us.

Perry's Thought of the Day

The best donut is the one that you are entitled to and no more.

Tough Love

Well, gang, I regret to inform you that the donut thief has neither "fessed up" nor curtailed his/her abuse of the one per rule. I've just returned from Roger's office and we agree that because this person has decided to spell "team" with an "I," we will not be distributing holiday bonuses to the staff this year (this does not include partners or lawyers, of course). No one regrets this more than I, but this season is about giving and not taking, but the thief started this with his/her taking of the donuts. The line has to be drawn somewhere.

howitzer mandel on rue marie-anne, pars tertia

angie (pretty sure you said your name was andy but whatever) are you my guardian angel? do jews believe in guardian angels? interoffice no-mance, i regret everything. i'm coming back tomorrow. maybe.

i expect wexler on my desk tomorrow, vic. am i joking?

no i'm staying here. keep your harpy eyes out of my morphine dreams devil woman! no angel you, angel-a. what's that vic says? a equals a. if i do return to p&r i'll bring gifts. for angie an autographed lp Songs of Leonard Cohen since he's both a montreal native and a member of your people.

so long marie-anne, it's time that we began

p.s. who is this rob guy? i have no memory of him. is he new? is he knew. nu-jazz? no jazz. as i said to the black guy (what's his name??) i love miles and trane.

i practice law from hammurabi, draco, and solon. if you don't see the conflict between the latter two get out of my face. i set traps for lesser lawyers so vic play it safe. yeah i'm the real humdinger g.

anyway i got a first volume vice issue waiting for me. peace out!

Perry's Thought of the Day

Actualize John Lennon's imagination!

the golden emperor speaks ex cathedra, pars secunda

ex cathedra is latin for "from the throne". it refers to papal infallibility. i'm referring to being on the toilet. because that's where i am right now. laptops are cool. actually i've got one laptop on top of another on top of my lap. an emperor must be conspicuous at all times.

as my demands have not yet been met, i have no intention of returning to indiana this week. the one you call "roger" is my hostage. only the golden emperor remains to speak.

though i graduated top of my class i have always cultivated a zen like disinterest in the practice of law. law for me is uninterupted life. in the words of a great man,



"i am, the law."

and here in montreal that is made truth by popular will. this is pure rouseau stuff. i am the sovreign by virtue of my spinning. i can sniff out rare tracks like a bloodhound. i have tracks devendra banhart ahsn't even written yet. out here charisma is the only power. whatever i look upon becomes mine. yet to own all is isolating. my fortune cookie said "unnecessary possessions are unnecessary burdens". the essence of desire is in not possessing. once we own a thing a person the desire dies and is replaced by possesiveness which is exactly what killed my marriage because she was jealous (womanizer sounds like a machine that makes women doesnt it?). as i once said to win butler, "after i bought it [neon bible] i knew i had to hide it it was so precious"

so here i am gretchen, perry, chris (wherever you are). do you want me? here's to the chase.

i am working today under protest

ok, so i came into work today. i wasnt planning 2 but vic got all pissed off because he couldnt find a bunch of wexler docs and called me at 3am threatening to shoot me. i dont think he was sober enough to aim straight then but i figured id pop in and put them on his desk before he got in today, becuase sober vic is scary vic.

that would be cool but it looked like he was impatient and tried to find them himself, really messing up the w drawer. and i think, judging by the bloodstains cutting himself really bad in the process. the drawers are locked for a reason. theres all sorts of stuff in there we dont need to be sharing. im not really sure a bowie knife is a good lockpick anyway.

of course the files werent even in w, because that would be inconsistent with where the other wexler files, which before i shredded them to keep mr panina from being indicted (fat lot of good that did, huh) were being kept under "files - transcripts - incriminating - badly mimeographed - wexler," in the b file cabinet (for "begins with a w"). i would have gladly told vic that, but im pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to find the b cabinet because the cabinet is labeled 's" for "second, sixth, seventh, and seventeeth letters of the alphabet." which has files beginning with "b," "c," and "pu-py" (im not sure how it was originally labelled that way, but I guess i miscounted a bit.

anyhow, all that would be fine but gretchen saw me before i could leave and told me that since i was already here i should finish out the day. also, something about having negative PTO hours right now which makes no sense because if there was negative time we'd be able to go back and win vietnam or free the slaves or something. which im pretty sure is still impossible.

anyway im working under protest becuase i said i wasnt coming in and then i did a favor and now i have to work which is totally unfair.

P & R business, December 22nd

Good morning, gang!

Two bits of sad news to start the week.

(1) The Fort Wayne Children's Zoo, one of our most valued clients, suffered a reprehensible act of violence this weekend when Kojak, their bald eagle, was shot in the wing. I want P & R on top of this matter. Vic, as the firm's ace sportsman and conservationist, I would appreciate you volunteering to head this one up. I should also remind you that you're quite deficient in your pro bono hours and the year is drawing to a close, so you'll be solving this case on "your own dime." As someone who cares about the great outdoors, however, I'm sure this will be a "labor of love."

(2) We have recently been suffering a rash of pastry thefts from the break room. Person or persons unknown have been taking more than their fair share of donuts and fritters. If this unteamworklike behavior continues, I will be forced to cancel our daily order from Kim's Kimchi and Donut Hut. This, I shouldn't have to remind you, will adversely affect an inspirational Korean-American business. That extra donut doesn't just add to the waistline, people, it hurts America's image.

C'mon, Panini & Rye, let's show 'em what we're made of!

An open message to fellow members of the wonderful P&R team

I want to remind everybody that while the premise of this blog is our great human right of free expression, we are representing P&R with our posts! Let's try and learn the value of discretion. Anyway, everybody's doing a great job of keeping this blog active! It's a pleasure to work with such a group of unique and diverse individuals. Happy holidays!!

montreal my home

i remain in montreal. no desire to return. here i am regarded as a god. they call me "golden emperor" and everywhere i am greeted with a mighty fanfare. when a crime is committed they bring the criminal and victim to me and i rule upon the matter. last night i pardoned a murderer. the day before i ordered the excution of a petty thief. this keeps the natives on their toes. they are afraid of me.

i am afraid of matthew mcconaughey.

due to my high status here among the cultural elite of montreal, i will only return if certain conditions are met.

conditions of my return to purgatory, indiana and the offices of panini & rye:
1. all my inferiors are to refer to me as "the golden emperor"
2. my entrance shall be greeted with fanfare--possibly the chorus of "uzi (pinky ring)" by wutang clan
3. my mixtapes will replace the current office music (smooth jazz is abomination)
4. as my ferns perish, so shall he who poisoned them
5. paralegal angie/andy (which is it? just make up your mind already) whateverwitz, the jewish girl, will be my exclsuive assistant
6. all existing internet restrictions shall be lifted and the people will enjoy the right oft torrent
7. i may impose any other conditions at any time as i see fit

happy holidays

Working on Sunday

Well, working on Sunday. Couldn't find a single bald eagle yesterday in the wild, and I had to make do with shooting at the bald eagle kept at the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo. Upon reflection, my disgust at the restriction of freedom in this country continues. Some points:

• I shouldn't need a concealed weapons permit for my firearms, and not allowing hunting rifles into a zoo is something Stalin would mandate.
• Children today cry too much. It's not like I killed the bird, I only got it in the left wing. These kids today need to stop being pampered so much.
• The Fort Wayne police are as easily duped as I remembered.

I'll bet the commies over at the Picayune make a mountain out of a molehill. It's like people think these animals too weak to hack it on their own deserve something besides blind scorn. Sometimes I just don't understand people.

Maybe I can finally make some progress on the Wexler Contract today.

hey again

still in montreal will be back in purgatory tomorrow did you check out failblog btw who is this rob guy i really hope my package is in the office ill text the tracking number to andy

Perry's Thought of the Day

My good friend and colleague, Roger Neff, once told me in a meeting, "You're twisting my melon, man." I didn't quite know what he meant, but it's always stuck with me. I think it's valuable to remember those things that we don't know because it makes us treasure those things we do know.

fRyeday Recap for December 19th

For the last twenty years or so, I’ve been circulating weekly summaries around the office every Friday. I call them fRyeday Recaps, and I’ve found that everybody loves them. It’s good for morale to know how the business is doing, and good morale is better than money, I’ve found.

Now that we’re in the “electronic age,” the fRyeday Recaps will also be put on the “blog” so that the people of Purgatory and Golem County can have their spirits boosted. Enjoy!

(1) A big round of congratulations to our ace attorney, Vic Graine, who successfully settled the lawsuit between Blackbird School Buses and The O’Connor School for the Hearing Impaired. I’m confident that everyone involved is happy with the resolution to this troubling incident. Keep up the good work, Vic—you’ll make partner before you know it!

(2) I understand that Robert Livermore, our ace filing clerk, is out sick today, so we need to come up with a better system for shoveling the walk outside. I recommend the kids at the O’Connor School for the Hearing Impaired. Those little “sparkplugs” can never replace Robert’s skill with a shovel, but I know they’ll give it their best. Plus it’ll prove to all the naysayers that the hearing impaired are just as good as everyone else.

(3) The holiday season is upon us, as you know, and I’d like to remind you all of the annual Panini & Rye Old T-Shirt Secret Santa drive for the needy. Bring in your old t-shirts and we’ll donate them to the indigents of Purgatory. I hate to give up my 1982 Jackson Brown tour shirt, but it’s for a good cause. Show us what you’ve worn, Panini & Rye!

(4) Also on the topic of holiday season, I’d like to remind everyone to remember to greet clients with “Happy holidays.” Also acceptable, if you know that it is “safe” to do so, Happy Hanukah, Happy Ramadan, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Winter Solstice. I know you know that I don’t have too many rules about this kind of thing, but the word Christmas should be avoided.

(5) And a big “shout out,” as my lovely daughter Janis says, to Angie, our ace paralegal who keeps us all smiling every day. Your people are a constant inspiration.

(6) Finally, I was recently asked to speak before Mrs. O’Leary’s class of fifth graders—no higher honour, I assure you—and talk about being a lawyer in Purgatory’s greatest law firm. Let me tell you, a few of those kids would give our crack team of litigators a “run for their money.” I think we’d all benefit from the wisdom of tomorrow, so here is a transcript of the “Q & A” session.

Toby, 11: What’s your favorite amendment to the Constitution?
Perry Rye, Esq: The seventeenth.

Cassandra, 11: Is being a lawyer hard?
Perry Rye, Esq: It’s very hard work. But it’s also very important to help other people. And being a lawyer is all about helping people. If you’re really good at being a lawyer, though, someday you can buy a Jag. C’mon, kids, come to the window and see my Jag!

Anita, 10: Is the portrayal of lawyers in shows like Law & Order in any way accurate?
Perry Rye, Esq: I don’t really watch those shows because they glorify violence and portray women and minorities in a negative light.

Roy, 11: Have you ever, like, gotten a murderer off, and then he killed a whole bunch of other people, and you, like, knew it was totally your fault, and then the victims’ families tried to sue you and you had to destroy them in court, even though they’d already suffered and you knew they were actually right?
Perry Rye, Esq: No comment.

Lance, 10: Why won’t you answer Roy’s question?
Mrs. O’Leary: Roy, Lance, questioning others is a privilege, not a right.

Lindsey, 11: If you could be an animal, what kind of animal would you want to be?
Perry Rye, Esq: What a great question! Wow! I think I’d like to be a unicorn, because they were magical and always helped other animals.

Eddie, 16: What’s your opinion of the sodomy laws in Texas?
Mrs. O’Leary: I think that’s enough for today.

hey vic

are you down to hang sat night will be spinning some bangin tunes by the way whats the progress on the wexler contract

hey you guys im emailing frm my blackberry

im in montreal right now love it check this out http://failblog.org/ that should lighten your day vic hey andy has my package come in yet its ups this is hard so im gonna go

Okay so, comments

i got up this morning because my friends called me and said their flight was cancelled. Im not coming in tho' because i'm in an "off day" mindset. Please dont touch the files.

one thing Id like to discuss is the possibility of adding comments becuase im not the kind of person to start a whole new blog entry to defend myself against attacks on my personality. just becuase i dont see the need to step on everyones throat just to park 2 spaces closer to the building doesnt make me stupid. and i know a=a. that's like saying 5=5 and id like to point out that a blog is supposed to be about free exchange of ideas not just putting out the "establishment" position.

anyway, im gonna go back to bed because USA is showing a couple of episodes of walker texas ranger and i dont have tivo because panina and rye dont pay me enough for that. See you all tuesday (or maybe wednesday i think i might be coming down with a cold).

Wow! What a wonderful thing this is

I'm really excited that Mr Rye's vision of free expression through cutting edge communications technology allows us to frankly and openly present our day to day working attitude to the public! Panini & Rye is a great asset to the community and I'm sure that in getting to know us you will gain even more confidence in our ability to provide you the client with the best legal service in all of Golem County! :)

This Cannot Be Tolerated!

It's 11:30pm and I was planning on leaving work a half hour earlier than my usual time of midnight when I noticed vagrants sleeping in the doorway of P&R! If I've told management once, I've told them a thousand times: P&R cannot appear to be soft on the hobo problem. Nasty little things fester in a community, encouraged to live their filthy homeless lifestyles by weak-willed do-gooders blinded by fools such as Comte and Kant. It's high time that we as a firm stood up and ran these cancerous cretins - too lazy to get jobs - out of town for good!

Fortunately, I found several weeks worth of Mr. Neff's expired produce in the employee lounge (which, fear not, I'll be adding to my list of transgressions) and hurled the fetid vegetables at the filthy mongrels as they were sleeping. I think I was able to trick their primitive minds into believing I was some sort of spirit god, because they gibbered into the night about some sort of "raging asholman," which I can only assume to be some simple hobo deity. In any case, I think it will be some time before our doorways are again darkened by the deservedly destitute.

You're welcome.

Perry's Thought of the Day

It's easy to blow out the candle of hope, but it takes inner fire to light it. Be the spark of your world.

A Request to Our Readers

I've already received a few e-mails and I would like to make it perfectly clear to anyone who reads this blog that the supplied e-mail address on here is for P&R business only! Please direct any other business you may have with me to my Yahoo account. Trust me, this is for your protection more than mine.

sorry mr. rye

i just want to go on record with a public apology to mr. rye because of what just happened at todays raffle for the used Geo Prism.

but in my defense you think if a raffle isnt open to employees you'd put it in bigger type. is that even legal to not let people enter a public contest?

anyway, im sorry that you had to redraw the winner six times before you got someone that wasnt me. Also, i'm sorry i yelled the "f-word" so loudly when Angie told me i wasnt allowed to enter. I hope mrs rye didn't take that personally. I was closer to her than i thought.

An Open Message Regarding Rob

To Rob: I could quote Rand all day to you if I wanted but I sincerely doubt you're capable of appreciating her genius.

To All: I just want to go on record as saying that I think this blog is a great idea. The people have lost trust in our firm, and it will soon become clear that some individuals represent the dead weight and lack of commitment that has led to that loss of trust. I'm not going to name names (yet), but certain individuals have already displayed an egregious lack of work ethic which I'm sure will be noted by both the public and appropriate members of P&R. For my part, I plan on submitting my list of noted offenses to both the proper individuals within the firm as well as making highlights of those offenses available here on this blog. Stay tuned, with my help P&R will once again regain its luster!

Allow me to close with what I feel is a timely and topical quote:

The question isn't 'who is going to let me'; it's 'who is going to stop me'. 

-Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead (up yours, Rob)

An open message to my fellow employees

i figured it would be easier to communicate using this blog than by email since apparently everyone in this place finds it easier to use "reply all" 4 every mundane exhange at panina & rye and i dont want my inbox clogged with Obama jokes and banana bread recipes. Or quotes from the Fountainhead. Vic im looking in your direction.

anyway, i just wanted to make it very clear that i am not responsible 4 the care of the ferns outside of roger b. neff, esquire's office. it seems like every time they die someone casts a dirty look at my cubicle. like i did something wrong.

also, i dont know if any of u noticed but i took the liberty of ordering a label maker for the break room. i'm using hot pink tape because i think it will be more noticable. since no matter how big i write my name on my dr. peppers it still seems like someone drinks them. unless the big ROB in block letters looks like someone elses name. like maybe ROGER. i'm just spitballing here.

and thirdly: im repeating in case anyone forgot or missed my email that im not going 2 be in tomorrow becuase i have friends coming in from out of town. i know i don't have vacation days left, gretchen, but i figured maybe you could slide me a few from next year since its almost here. please nobody touch the files while im out. every time someone does it takes me like a thousand hours to get it fixed. i know where everything is and i'd like to keep it that way. if you need something for a case or something wait until tuesday when i get back.

lastly, Mr. rye said we all have to put our emails out on this blog but only email me if its really important. Im swamped right now.

I almost forgot. gretchen: I need monday off too.

hey does this thing work?

hey there, check out this uncensored video by THE CRIBS the best indie group in england today wish i was back there partying with these guys NSFW

EDIT: Roger, a not safe for work (NSFW) video/link is inappropriate on a work-related blog. Please don't do that again. I've replaced it with the censored version, but really you shouldn't be posting music videos. Sorry to be a stickler. Hope you have a great day tomorrow! I do like the song. - Angie

Welcome to our "blog"!

Friends,

I would like to welcome you to what I am confidant is an exciting new chapter in the history of Panini & Rye—the official Panini & Rye “blog”! As you all must know, Panini & Rye has always led the way in innovative new ways to service the public. When Chris Panini and I “hung out our shingle” in 1982, nobody in Golem County had thought to use billboards to “spread the word.” No other law firm had thought to sponsor car raffles. Certainly nobody had thought to regularly offering discount coupons for legal services. So we’ve always led the way, going where few have trod.

But why now, Mr. Rye, you might ask. As you probably know, the Panini & Rye family suffered a tragedy recently when Chris Panini entered federal custody. I won’t go into specifics because it serves no interests other than the fascists at The Purgatory Picayune. Let me digress for a moment. I wholly reject the Picayune’s claim that Panini & Rye “represents all that is rotten with the practice of law in this country.” Maybe the editors haven’t looked at enough law firms in this country. Maybe the editors don’t think sponsoring the Purgatory Troubled Teen Touch Football League as worthy. I disagree. If I thought a lawsuit would solve anything, I’d pursue that course, but sometimes it’s best to take one’s crucification like a man. I nevertheless realize that the noble visage of Panini & Rye has suffered a black eye and is in need of some make-up.

Last month, I took some time off and visited the forests of outside of town, hiking, swimming, communing, seeking guidance. As so often happens, I found inspiration from William Jefferson Clinton, America’s greatest president, who urged us to get on “the information superhighway of the 21st century.” I’m a firm believer that the “Internet” is here to stay and that “web logs,” or “blogs” are an ideal way of communicating to the public. Thus was born an idea!

I have asked the rest of the Panini & Rye family—partners, associates and staff—to participate in this “blog,” to share their experiences working at and living at Purgatory’s greatest law firm. I am confident that as you get to know us better, to experience our chi, you will give us back your trust. I encourage you to “email” myself and anyone else at Panini & Rye and tell us what you think, what you want from us.

Thank you for your time,
Perry Rye, Esq.