Thursday, February 5, 2009

Agent of Panini...

... execute order zeta. You know which one I mean. The one regarding the coffee machine.


cash logan has been fired from his television show and the purgatory picayune.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

Mark my words: Before her career is complete, Jennifer Love Hewitt will win an Oscar.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

Make your random acts of kindness less random and more kind.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

Enjoy your Superbowl, Pittsburgh. Peyton will be bring it back where it belongs next year!

the third enlightenment

there have been two great enlightenments in history.

the first gave Shenrab's people that peculiar alchemy of animism, buddhism, and tantra.

the second gave us natural law, an age of reason, thomas jefferson, the constitution.

and now the third is being born right here in the law offices of Panini & Rye.

feel pride. you are the new breed.

Friday, January 30, 2009

fRyeday Recap for January 30th

Welcome to a shorten fRyeday Recap. Shortened because of:

(1) Roger and Shenrab's remaking of the office is paying dividends. I can't remember when the place has been silent, with people busy at their tasks. We won't know how this affects "the bottom line" for a while, but I have no doubt Roger's taking us into strange new areas.

(2) A couple clients have decided to try their luck elsewhere, including Smitty's Seafood Importers and Pillows & Rugs. While we'll miss assisting them with their various legal needs, Roger assures me that they're easily replaceable.

(3) Check with Roger and Shenrab first, but if they say yes, go home early everybody!

Perry's Thought of the Day

Huey Lewis memorably sang, "Do you believe in love?" Yes, Huey, I sure do.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

Why isn't "The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh" available on dvd? I mean, c'mon!

you hear that?

i am in command and so long as my hand is guided by Shenrab, i shall not stumble. Angie's posting privileges have been revoked, effective immediately. i am the law. she has been acting strangely and i suspect her to be under the influence of bad spirits. when the old Angie returns, she will be allowed to post once again. in other news i have promoted our new employee Rob Livermore to the position of Director of Efficiency Projects, which expand his duties from just filing to assisting Shenrab in ritual acts. naturally he is still in charge of filing and is expected to fulfill all prior duties in addition to his current liturgical responsibilities.

The worst kept secret in the world

I'm in love with Ms. Samantha Langhorst. I know it's not a great idea announcing all this with my impending divorce, but I don't care. I'm in love and a man in love does foolish happy things. Plus, Sam is Angie Pedowitz's roommate (soon to be ex- because Sam is moving in with me this weekend) and it was probably uncomfortable for her having to keep quiet around the office all my nightly visits to her "pad." So, be happy everyone because love is a wonderful thing.

Something else: a few people have been privately grumbling and leaving notes of complaint about Roger Neff's more active role in managing the office. Roger's style is unorthodox, and some would say highly erratic and even vindictive, but I think he's earned the right to reshape how we do business as he sees fit. Still feel free to voice your concerns to me—my office door is always open, and it's not just because my lock has been changed and I can't find the key—but also expect that I'll back up Roger 23 times out of 20.

Also, I took the initiative to sign for a package addressed to Vic. I opened it up and it contained a dead falcon with its talons cut off. Does anyone know what this means? I know that Vic keeps strange company, but this seems weird even for Vic.

Bye for now. I'm going for a late lunch with my snuggly wuggly baby.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Roger is a tyrant

If this keeps up I'm going to ahve to take action soon.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

The smell of frying bok choy isn't for everyone.

sexual harassment

i don't think suggesting a breeding program for p&r employees constitutes "sexual harassment" so i'm going to do it right here: we are creating a new society here at panini and rye. but no society can last if it does not hand down its values to the next generation. we must perpetuate our culture through progeny and we cannot allow harmful influences from the outside world (Cash Logan for example). in order to facilitate the emergence of a new society, i have just repurposed an assisted living home i inherited from my uncle into an official p&r lifestyle center. ample housing is available, onsite food prep, laundry, and bathroom facilities and a conference room i am outfitting with a state of the art sound system for dj nights. Shenrab is guiding me through this process. you are not required to join the Roger B. Neff New Society Complex, but you are highly encouraged to do so. i myself will be moving from my apartment into the new complex. we could call it the neffplex. anyway i want all of you to be my neighbors. a new life is possible. i am the firm. we are the firm. and the firm is the future.

that's more like it

you're starting to demonstrate some reverence for the ceremony. morning circumambulation determines the course of your day. remember that.

Shenrab has identified a cluster of evil spirits around Chris Panini's old office, probably planted there by the unnameable. we will be attempting an exorcism later. if anyone disturbs us during the exorcism, they will be escorted outside by security. this includes key requisitions, so please get your key-related business done before 2PM.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

Love is like oxygen—you get too much you get too high, not enough and you're gonna die. I'm not sure which philosopher said that, but it's true.

p.s. Gretchen, I've been unable to get into the washroom today. Is it being repaired for some reason? Also, who is this Asian American Elder who is cleaning desks? He wouldn't answer me when I asked.


playing one of my mix cds still constitutes a violation of the no music rule. i will not respond to brownnosing.

disappointing showing

at the morning circumambulation of the efficiency shrine today. Shenrab is doing his best here and you layabouts won't give it your all. i'm afraid that until the morning circumambulation shapes up, i am implementing the office austerity protocol.
1. locked doors policy: all doors are to be locked, including restroom, offices, kitchen (door to be installed today for this very purpose), fridge and freezer doors (lock redundancy is vital), files and other archived materials room, and most exits. if you need to use the door, you have to approch the master of keys (Roger B. Neff, Partner) with a key requisition form.
2. no music
3. internet access will be severely restricted
4. non-work related conversations are prohibited
5. personal affects are not allowed on desks
6. all decorations must be taken down unless approved by the master of decorations (Roger B. Neff, Partner)
7. "Vic", "Victor", "Graine", and any combination thereof constitute verboten speech in the office environment
8. you are requested to detail sexual exploits with Shenrab in weekly "confessionals" as a way of pinpointing possible contact with bad spirits that may be affecting our office. these are not mandatory but are recommended if you'd like to avoid an overabundance of charms and fetishes on your desk
9. casual fridays are canceled as are blue jean tuesdays
10. certain foods are prohibited; please speak to Shenrab for details

Sunday, January 25, 2009

An Update

Don't bother trying to track me down. I'm updating this from a public terminal and will soon be gone.

Progress in both my endeavors - freeing Panini and bringing down the Picayune - are getting off to a slow start.  So far I have had to spend most of my time fighting a low grade war with the various hobos of Purgatory, all of whom seem to be vying for my admittedly delicious sandwich collection. I have tried to explain to them concepts of objective reality and how capitalism is the only just social system. Alas, I'm afraid I was not able to reach any of these common vagrants, and I have had to... incapacitate vast swaths of the derelict community.

Rest assured, however, that I will not rest until my objectives have been completed.

Vic out.

Friday, January 23, 2009


our new office efficiency consultant:

his name is Shenrab. i first met him fifteen years ago when Perry sponsored a peace and understanding tour of nepal. he taught me a lot about myself and i incorporated his theories into my sets as a dj. this led to the justly legendary PsychoShaman Spektacular in Hamburg 1995. my set broke boundaries of the mind and spirit. after the show a very famous idm musician came up to me and bit me on the shoulder. this was a warrior's bite and showed the depth of our connection. i'm not telling you who it was but come on. anyway i bridged tibetan animism, chaos magick, and musique concrete in the last true uprising of psychedelia.

back to buisness: Shenrab will be surreptitiously collecting personal items from each employee of the firm. this is in order that he may perform his "efficiency ritual" which will pinpoint the location of the bad spirits.

Shenrab will also be instituting a mandatory circumambulation of the office efficiency idol every morning. let's all pull our weight here, we need all the help we can get. Angie, you are not exempt, i have seen you eat bacon and you never take jewish holidays off anyway plus i saw a seven years in tibet dvd at your house so i think you'd welcome the chance to experience this culture firsthand.

do not be alarmed by his songs, dances, and ritual items. do NOT throw away any of his amulets and charms even if they smell bad. if it smells bad to you, it does to evil spirits too so please be quiet and take one for the p&r team.

thanks everybody.
- dj jazzy neff

fRyeday Recap for January 23rd

An odd week here, with more goings than comings. Those who are here, I'm sure, will pull together for the team.

(1) Best wishes to Vic. Our ace staff attorney will, effective immediately, be going on an extended working vacation. Working as hard as he does, he needs a bit of time off, but, working as hard as does, he'll still be applying his legal skills wherever he is. And hopefully drum up some new clients, right Vic? You'll make partner yet!

In the interim, Roger Neff will be taking over Vic's caseload, with the ever able assistance of our ace paralegal Angie. Heck, I'll bet Angie can show Roger a trick or two.

(2) I canceled my speech before the Golem County Police Association due to personal matters. I'm hoping that they can squeeze me in in the future as we'd all benefit from some face to face.

(3) Peace is at hand. That phrase has never seemed truer now that Hillary Clinton is Secretary of State. I know that I gush a lot about her and it was personally quite difficult for me to accept that the nomination was denied to her, but it feels like the clock is chiming twelve with her arrival at the State Department.

(4) We seem to be in the presence of an efficiency expert. I don't know who's responsible, but I approve. As Secretary Clinton would say, "Time to get efficient!"

(5) I'm off to a meeting with Helmut Schultz of Mortenson's Apple Orchards. This could be a good one, folks.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Am I the only sane one here?

First Mr Panini gets picked up by federal agents (and nobody has told me what the hell that was about) then Roger goes nuts in Montreal and Mr Rye has to bring him back AND THEN Rob goes crazy and I have to bail him out of jail and take care of him and now Vic's left the firm (???) and gone "underground". What the hell is going on here? I've NEVER complained about my workload or anything but I signed on as a paralegal not a babysitter and frankly Im tired of having to put a good face on this whole mess day after day while I do all the legwork and Roger makes collages from the magazines in the lobby or he brings in one of his "performance artist" friends who make working in this office a living hell as if having to negotiate files out of Rob's clutches wasn't hard enough I have to tackle whatever smelly art skank Roger's brought in for the day. I've worked SO HARD for this firm and I take care of every one of you and what do I get? The one guy I thought was reliable and that I DIDN'T have to take care of just disappears. Besides all that I've had that new "office shaman" in my hair ALL DAY. Whose idea was it to hire a witchdoctor for an office environment? THis is too new age even for Mr Rye so I'm guessing it was Roger's idea, in which case thanks again for making life so hard because trying to do the work of half a dozen chronic absentees and now there's some some weirdo shaking his rattle at me. I love this firm and I care about all of you so very much but can't you guys throw me a bone once in a while?? PLEASE?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Going Underground

With Mr. Panini's recent communique, I can finally say goodbye to the incompetence of this firm until order is restored.

A fish rots from the head down, and so what is there to do but chop off the current head and surgically graft on the older, better head that is unjustly incarcerated. That is why I am going off the grid and joining an underground Randian separatist group. Once proper leadership is restored, this new vanguard will be wiped away.

Besides the primary mission I am engaging in for Mr. Panini, I will also be endeavoring to take down the Picayune. They have been a thorn in our side for too long and a brave new Panini & Rye cannot afford their liberal commie mumbo jumbo. Also, I will try and finally get the damned Wexler Contract finished.

I don't know how long I will be underground for, it could be weeks or months. I will, however, be able to post occasional communiques from anonymous locations. But rest assured, I loathe you all and when I return you shall all be receiving your just desserts.

P.S. Panini, of course, would not be so foolish as to not leave another agent within the firm while I am gone. Rest assured I will be kept apprised of any actions that are taken to thwart our plans.

Bring it on.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Inauguration Day

I'd just like to say that I think that this country has a chance to regain its lost glory with a Clinton serving in the White House again. If Mr. Obama will just let her do what she does best!

Monday, January 19, 2009

An announcement

There will be no Thought of the Day today and perhaps not for several days. My wife of two years, Zoe Wimmer, and I have initiated divorce proceedings. My daughter, Janis, will be staying with her step-mother for the foreseeable future. Our privacy, I hope you agree, should be respected in this matter.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

When I was a student at Dred Scott University, former president Richard Nixon came to speak before my law class. In an act of protest I refused to applaud or shake his hand. I regret that now because he never heard my opinion. Speak truth to power and power will listen!

fRyeday Recap for January16th

TGIF—Thank God It's fRyeday! Some weekly wrap-up to take you into the weekend and prepare for next week.

(1) The Purgatory Business Bowling League starts up again next Thursday, and with Chris' absence, we have a spot open on the team. If you have experience "chucking the ball," see Gretchen about an audition.

(2) A reminder to please shake off the snow from your boots and coats before coming into the office. The carpeting is only ten years old and still has a lot of good years ahead of it if we act like adults.

(3) I walked into the file room today and I must say, whoever has taken over these duties is a genius. Spotless and orderly. I'll bet I could find the very first malpractice claim brought against Roger within thirty seconds. (Just kidding, Roger.) Gretchen, find out who the new person is and give him that Zoom music player I got at that convention last year.

(4) Received a letter from Chris Panini this week. He hopes you're all well and wants you to know that he's not backing down and doesn't expect any of you to, either. He also asked that Vic "stare at the bear until it blinks" (he says that Vic will know what that means).

(5) Some investors from New York City are coming to Purgatory next week to investigate the idea for a "Mad Anthony" Wayne Theme Park. I think it would be a good idea for Angie to attend some meetings and use her "natural style" to get Panini & Rye in on the ground level. It could be a big big boost for the Purgatory economy.

(6) Finally, I'll be addressing the Golem County Police Association's monthly meeting next week. I hope to bring back some good "tidbits" about the state of justice in our "neck of the woods."

Wow, what a week

It's still like a ghost town in here! You guys really partied it up. I'm proud I could be your host but you guys should take it easy next time and tone it down! ;) I'm just glad Rob is safe. He's a very brave soul! If you guys promise to take it easy, let's all go and see Roger spin at the Clement Club in Apocatastasis. It'd be good to get out of Purgatory and into the Golem County Lowlands for once! First drink's on me so long as it's PBR. ;)


i've been in the office every day for a week. i think that deserves recognition. maybe some chocolate or something. Angie, get on this.

i just heard that "journalist" Cash Logan has landed a spot on channel 3 for his "expose" series on Panini & Rye. apparently lies pay. congratulations, you rotten bastard.

yesterday due to payroll work i was forced to endure a mcdonalds lunch (no, i am not lovin it) the first time i've had fast food in a very long time. naturally it ripped through my insides. on my mad rush to the executive restroom (which is set aside for my colleagues and Vic so please don't use it people or i'll have to bring back the locked door policy), knowing i would have an extended stay, i grabbed a book from Vic's desk, the virtue of selfishness by ann rand. i didn't know she wrote books. i thought she was just an advuice columnist. i guess Vic's obsession makes more sense now, i thought he was just a little funny or something. anyway i got about halfway through it and it's not so bad but she's kinda uptight. i guess that's why she gave out advice so much.

also yesterday i discovered that a "Dom Bilbo" (short for dominic?) is on the payroll,. who is this? Gretchen didn't know either. Vic, i'm putting you on the case.

boy george has been jailed. to celebrate/mourn, my set tomorrow will feature some culture club remixes by yours truly including some mashes that are dope and stupid fresh.

i'm really worn out from this week. it's been tough. i had to wear a tie on wednesday. that was really rough.

finally, i found a letter on my desk. looks like i've got a secret admirer!

Roger's Thought for the Day

if it's in the company fridge, i am within my rights to eat it.

I am alive, well, and ready to work!

Well, I'm back.

That was a rough time. I've been inundated with emails, calls, and co-workers dropping by my cubicle requesting I explain what happened, and I think it would be more efficient to put the story up here on the blog:

I don't remember much from Monday evening until early Thursday morning. The last thing I remember clearly was feeling a sudden urge to dance. Then a lot of fever dreams about bats and some sort of multilegged demon that lived in my peripheral vision. And something about some evil scientists attempting to hook me up to a machine. Then I woke up in a jail cell.

From what the arresting officer told me, I had been found wandering in my own front yard swinging a broken torchiere lamp at various invisible members of what I called "The Cabal," naked except for a turban made out of a torn piece of my living room curtain. I had apparently thrown my roommate's recliner through my living room picture window to "escape." My roommmate is going to kill me when he gets back from Belize.

Thankfully, Golem County's Finest got to me before frostbite and/or hypothermia set in. And the ever-reliable Angie Pedowitz really showed her mettle by bailing me out and taking care of me yesterday (I don't mind telling you, I was more than a little "out of sorts") - not to mention talking the police out of sending me to the Purgatory Pines Mental Health clinic for 48 hour observation! I owe you big time, girl.

A "tox screen" taken upon my admittance showed no readily identifiable drugs, though they've sent it to Indianapolis for a fuller battery of tests. Thankfully, my adult criminal record is clean, though I'm going to have to stand trial in a few weeks, and probably have to take a battery of psychiatric examinations to determine the true cause of my "Acute Dementia."

At any rate, I'm just so glad to be alive and well that I've decided to turn over a new leaf. Gone is the old "slacker" Rob Livermore! Say hello to the new, dedicated Rob Livermore! I'm ready to do my part to make Panina and Rye the best law firm in Golem County, if not the entire state! No more 3-hour lunches and 18-bathroom-break days! No more leaving 15 minutes early every day! No more converting to a new religion every time a holiday rolls around!

If anyone needs me today, I'll be in Central Files. That place is a mess.

P.S. - Roger, I took the liberty of watering and pruning the ferns outside your office. They looked a little scraggly.

P.P.S. - Is anyone here missing a Blackberry? I found one in my kitchen cabinet yesterday evening when I was putting away all the cans and boxes that were inexplicably strewn around my apartment. It has an embossed decal which reads "[expletive deleted] Nathaniel Branden" and a picture of some old guy who looks like George Hamilton with a red "Ghostbuster" circle around his face, if that helps. I'd turn it on to see if I could tell whose it is, but the battery seems to be dead.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

The difference between a flower and a weed is the attitude of the gardener.


due to two thirds of the office staff being out "sick" three days after my birthday party at the dear, kind, thoughtful Miss Pedowitz's house, it's fallen on my shoulders to work out payroll with Gretchen since Perry doesn't seem to know how to use a computer. Perry and i just sent Angie to the Golem County Jail to liberate Vic's colleague Rob Livermore who is apparently a (the?) filing clerk in our office though i don't recall ever having met him. Angie will be out of the office the rest of the day to help Rob recoup.

i would just like to take this moment to remind people that prescription medication is not a plaything and i did in fact notice the "disappearance" of several bottles of medication used to treat a nervous condition with which i have been afflicted since my early '20s. i would like to remind people that 1. these drugs are treating a condition 2. the dosage level is set for a man who has been taking these drugs for almost twenty years. you do not give a child a howitzer. likewise do not play with a fire you can not control/understand.

now this could just be a coincidence. many have blamed the spicy crab dip and so food poisoning could be the culprit. i suppose its a coincidence that the symptoms of our office plague match sideeffects of my meds. regardless, you will have a paycheck upon your return since i doubt Perry is in the firing mood. that's not the gun he;'s interested in shooting right now, sotospeak.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

a two day afterparty

looks like someone tried one of my "mixed drinks".

i forg

ot i dont have a acn opener dangit

i have made myself a fortress

i have to conserve power on this thingbecase its not minme and i dont hve a charger but i just wnated to let angti know that i have made mysedf a fortress in ac abinet here. its a tight fit but there are plenty of cans of food t eat and the darkness is more soothtng than the light now that i know the bats are my allies against the THING.

i am safe.

for nOW


I can't find Rob and I'm very worried!

Rob, if you're reading this, please try to call! I've read your two posts and I'm very worried for you.

Last time I saw Rob he was sleeping it off at my home. I just went back to check on him and apparently he knocked out my roommate Sam! She's the one in the polka dot dress by the way, I gave her Mr Rye's number. Sam doesn't know where he went. He's nowhere in the house (I'm still there, posting this from my Mac). I think he may have tried to take the bus because my neighbors say there was a ruckus at the bus stop, but I don't think he's in any state to be traveling. Vic, you're good at finding people, can you help?? Is your blackberry missing? I already checked with Roger and he has his.

Oh god, I'm so worried.

Perry's Thought of the Day

Love is like a big chocolate sundae. Dig in and enjoy!

the light did nto make it better

ok im scared and i cant remember how to dial anyones phone butthis is a magis balckberry that keeps me alive and there is only 3 doors why doesnt one of them lead outside id break a window bu t then THEY can get in and steal myu dreams with the big machine that runs on widows tears and orphan blood if i make it out of thsi dungeon alive i will come to wkr every day and maybe even do overtime and im srry about the ferns they are taunting me everty time i close my eyes roger how do yu do this everyday and twice on wknds whatthe hell was that it had more arms than it should at least the sunlight kilss bats and i will be in if i can i hope this counts as sickleave not vacation hours gretchen

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

oh god

i just woke up. i'm not sure where i am but i found a blackbryy. if anyone nows how to trrack down an ip addrss please dear god find me befo4re i die of starbvation. its dark and im scared.

im going to try to come to work tomorrow...honest...if i can just figure out whree the door is. ive tried 3 so far andthey are all closets or bathrooms. im not sure but i think there are bats in one. one tried to use his sonar on me but i think i killd him with a broom.

the moral od the story is too never steal a drink from roger neff.

Perry's Thought of the Day

Bird is the word. Larry Bird, that is.

How's everyone feeling?

Quite the party last night. A good show of support for our friend and colleague Roger and for the Panini & Rye family. You'd never guess it but Rob Livermore is quite the dancer—a Bust-a-Moves graduate? As Vic confided to me, "I guess we know what he does when he doesn't show up for work. Maybe even what he does at work for all we know."

Roger was in his element, of course, spinning his "mad tunes" and telling us how one band, The Orbs, are tied into the universal consciousness. I don't know if I really hear that, but they sounded pretty "cool" to me. It's a shame that Mrs. Rye was unable to attend because I think she could use some of your youthful zest.

On a personal note, Angie, please see me some time today. You were chatting with a young woman in a polka dot dress. I need to get in touch with her rather quickly.


i'm only getting younger!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Memories of Mr. Neff

I can't honestly remember if Mr. Neff and I ever associated in a non-work related capacity, certainly not since we were both associates. However, I do have some vague memories of a time when Mr. Neff was actually working on a case and not simply foisting off work onto people who actually show up for work six to seven days a week.

My other favorite memory of Mr. Neff was one time a while back when he came into the office late one night (I was still working to finish up a contract he had unceremiously foisted on me), clearly hopped up on some sort of hallucinogen, and proceeded to attack our then-functional coffee machine. I could hear him from my office screaming something about paisley colored goblins. I believe he thought the coffee maker was attacking him. The next morning Perry saw his beloved coffee maker and was quite distraught. Since then, we've gone through several more machines. I can only surmise how these other machines met their fate, and wonder how long this ridiculous espresso maker will surive.

Oh, maybe I wasn't supposed to tell that story on an open and public blog.

a couple favorite memories of Roger :)

On my first day of work Roger gave me a bowl of melon balls and a knife and told me to spend the day sharpening them. I thought he was joking but he looked very serious. I spent all day trying to figure our what sharpening meant, to no avail! The next morning he gave me a fresh bowl of melon balls and a knife and the same instruction. This continued for another day, not doing anything at the office other than figuring out how to sharpen melon balls. Eventually I told Roger that I couldn't figure it out and there wasn't any way to sharpen a melon ball. I was crying and I thought he'd fire me but he said yes, that's true and then laughed.

Another time he gave me three of his mix cds and told me to write up all my thoughts on them. I have to say, although his clothes were unusual for a lawyer, I never expected a partner in a firm as presitigious as P&R to have such good taste in music! I guess like Roger says, he lived retro. I was a little timid but I told him some ideas for his mixes and then he invited me to the Flannel Biscuit for DJ night and when he did a set, he had used some of my ideas! I was very flattered.

OK, that's it for now, I've got to take my hour lunch to stock up on some supplies for tonight's party! Remember guys, it's at 9PM at my place! Prefer BYOB although there will be refreshments available and if you can please bring another gift for Roger since I'm not sure if he's coming into the office today.

Perry's Thought of the Day

"We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning"

Not since the great Buddha has this truth been expressed so perfectly. On behalf of all us at Panini & Rye who "didn't light it
but tried to fight it," thank you Billy Joel.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

When Britney Spears writes a song as good as "Desperado," then I'll start paying attention.

okay angie

i dont really want to take the time to decide on a memory of Roger B Neff so i decided to make a list of the first few things that pop into my mind

  • on my first day of work as a temp (remember thsoe days?) when he called the front desk from that "facility" in new mexico mr. panina recommended for his exhaustion i was amazed because i thought flavor flav was one of our clients. that was a lot more impressive in the 90's.
  • for 34 days straight in 2002 he called me "julio' and kept demanding a timeline on the executive bathroom retiling project. every day i told him i was a) named rob b) not technically a contractor c) i didnt even have a key to that bathroom d) i didnt even know there was a executive bathroom - i still haven't found it, and think he might have been imagining there was one since mr. rye mr panina and vic all use (or used) the same one as i do e) i have no idea how to tile anything anyway, as i have an arts degree. he always used to laugh knowingly at his error then tell me "if i dont see some progress soon, youll be back to picking tomatos faster than you can count to tres, amigo."
  • im not sure what body spray he uses, but i cant wear my contacts when hes in the office
  • speaking of flavor flav, whatever happend to that clock you used to wear roger? do you keep it in storage with the straw cowboy hat and those oversized JNCOs you used to wear on casual fridays (before mr rye cancelled those days after the Incident)
  • remember mary? she used to keep a voodoo doll of roger in her desk. It was pretty well made too. one day she told me that the hair on the doll was really rogers and that was why she knew it worked. i wonder what happened to her.

okay thats enough

fRyeday Recap for January 9th

A lot to cover in this fRyeday summary, so let's get to it!

(1) Two new clients to announce:
- Naughty Nightwear and Fantasies has switched their legal representation from Goldstein and Silverstein to Panini & Rye (sorry, Wendell and Marty, you had your shot). I haven't done as much real "lawyerin'" as I'd like, so I'll be handling this account exclusively, and look forward to defending Miss Tawnee's interests.
- The Brothers and Sisters of the Earth Sharing Foundation has retained Panini & Rye in its fight against Golem county polluters. Roger and I agree that Vic would provide exemplary skill and zeal in this fight.

(2) Roger, I love your sense of humor, but I'm a bit worried that some people might take seriously your descriptions of your Montreal ordeal. This firm has suffered plenty from people misunderstanding the truth, so let's take care what we people hear.

(3) I love the idea of sharing stories about Roger. The first time I met Roger was when I was in law school and his dad, Ross Neff, was one of my professors. Great times, learning at the feet of the master. One summer day, I was preparing to clean the Neff swimming pool when Roger, who couldn't have been more than ten or so and was swimming, decided that he wasn't coming out. I ordered and begged and bargained with him but to no avail. Finally, "the old man's" voice boomed out, "Get your butt out of the pool, you little twit!" Roger stared at the house then at me, then he got a weird look on his face. I could tell he was urinating in the pool. Oh, I was angry, but in retrospect it shows he had that lawyer's spirit—even when you lose a fight, make sure you take some kind of victory with you. He's peed in many a pool since, and I mean that in the best way possible.

(4) Out of consideration for Angie, could we please refrain from discussing the conflict in Gaza around the break room table? Thanks.

So Roger's birthday is Monday...

I'm thinking we should throw him a big party! Especially after all that awful stuff in Canada he went through. Not just an office party though but a real one after work. Roger's a dj so I'm sure he'd want to really get down. ;) In preparation let's all post our favorite memories of Roger before the weekend! Vic, Rob, Mr Rye, Gretchen, let's do it up for a partner of the firm and a friend to all of us here at Panini & Rye.


it seems "newspaperman" Cash Logan at the Purgatory Picayune has decided to publish a host of lies about my time in Montreal. let me respond to some egregious points; i leave the rest to our litigious bicep.

1. i did not threaten the staff of Le Hotel Champlain. when a weatherman forecasts a storm, he is not threatening the public. likewise with my warnings.

2. i was not wearing a burger king crown. i do not eat fast food. it was a prop crown acquired for me by a local graffiti artist. yes, i said artist.

3. somehow the single pump action shotgun i borrowed from Vic has blossomed, in the imagination of "newspaperman" Cash Logan, into a "massive arsenal including a grenade launcher"-this is patent falsehood.

4. i never discharged my weapon at any animate objects.

5. there are no grounds for "Mr." Logan to question the reported ages of my two female companions. the discussion of canadian age of consent laws was frankly gratuitous.

6. secondly, i said companions. they were not "hostages".

7. Mr. Panini's much publicized friendship with several prominent members of the National Assembly had nothing to do with my so-called "escape from legal repercussions". once again Mr. Logan, you assume too much. why assume corruption where the explanation of a commonsensical approach to law enforcement would suffice? i think we could learn a thing or two from the quebecois. let us all raise high the fleur de lis in respect.

8. i don't know where this whole kitten thing came from and i'm not going to dignify it with a response.

recently it seems Vic felt fit to accuse me of "getting caught with three kilos of blow, five well-trained monkeys and 20 pounds of zebra meat at the border". i assume this is a joke. let me remind him that he loaned me the firearm and that trafficking in exotic animals and the meat of exotic animals sounds like Vic Graine to me. time for a bedtime story: there's a man in distress and his friend and colleague pressures him into smuggling contraband, furthermore drugging him in order to weaken his will. somehow it explodes into a media story, but in order to protect his friend/colleague said distressed man doesn't "squeal".

or does he? moral of the story, it's not his choice, it's the colleague's.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

Friends may have been the best situation comedy ever made. The writing and performances snapped, crackled, and popped. Do yourself a favor and watch an episode tonight.

Why is Vic ticked?

Gretchen "printed off" your latest contribution to our public forum, Vic, and I thought I'd address some of the more troubling aspects.

(1) The Wexler contract. If a partner assigns you work, you must do it for the good of the firm. If we go around turning down work, we'll all be on the bread lines.
(2) Ayn Rand audiobooks. Please consult your work contract—Ayn Rand literature falls under pornography, which is not allowed on Panini & Rye property because it sets a bad example for the younger staff.
(3) The ethics agreement. Again, consult your work contract. If you are offered a partnership, you will have the opportunity to renegotiate these matters. So, the best way of getting out from under the contract is to get at the work. C'mon, Vic old buddy, we're all pulling for you!
(4) Roger Neff. I believe I've already stated what happened in Montreal. Idle speculation will only empower those who would bring this firm down, and I. Will. Not. Let. That. Happen.
(5) The espresso fund. Until you make partner, you'll be obliged to pay into the coffee fund. One for all and all for one. Be a team guy, Vic!

Some other concerns:
Does Mr. Livermore still work here? I see that his paychecks are still cashed, but I never see him in the hallways. Could someone check on this for me?

Whose turn is it to shovel? I paid good money for my loafers and I don't think trudging from the curb to the building does them any good.

I'm unimpressed by the juvenile antics of taking bites out of all the donuts in the break room but leaving the remainder on the counter. If there is a point behind all this, please tell Gretchen.

The new year is proving as stressful as the last. I'm hopeful that once Mrs. Clinton is installed as Secretary of State, everyone around here can relax a bit and start feeling hopeful once more.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Wexler Contract and Other Notes

I receieved an internal memo earlier today stating I hadn't been posting enough on this blog. Fine. Far be it from to ever be anything but a team player.

Suffice to say, the Wexler Contract is still in a state of limbo. Now, I'm not naming names but perhaps it's time some of the useless baggage (the useless baggage that apparently likes to spend its time in the socialist hellhole to the north of here) around here either shaped up or got torn apart by the mandibles of a thousand africanized fire ants. This contract isn't even mine, after all. I should be working on the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo (herein referred to as "FWCZ") case. Which brings me to my next point, actually.

I understand that this is supposed to be a high-profile pro bono case for the firm, but I'm simply unable to do my job properly. Those social deviants over at the Picayune keep harassing me, and if I have to get one more memo about not being allowed to brandish my weaponry at reporters I swear that when my turn comes to pick office music on "Music Mondays" I'm going to play nothing but Ayn Rand audiobooks and Ted Nugent albums.

Furthermore, my hands have been tied from the start from the idiotic "ethics agreement" we had to sign upon coming to work at this firm. Besides preventing me from being able to PRIVATELY deal with evidence and witnesses as I see fit, I'm afraid that such a bleeding heart moral code has the additional negative consequence of providing a convenient shield for the lazier on staff to shirk their responsibility to both maximing profits for this firm and utterly crushing our pathetic opponents in every manner possible. I think nimbly pimply Canada-lovers and borderline downy filing clerks would do well to reasses their commitment to this firm andI would suggest we all think on the fact that in order to build a truly free society we must be allowed to work UNREGULATED and without any wishy-washy categorical imperitives.

P.S. I heard about Mr. Neff getting caught with three kilos of blow, five well-trained monkeys and 20 pounds of zebra meat at the border. Anyone have more details?

P.P.S. Oh, and I still refuse to pay any money towards that idiotic espresso machine. I grow my own special coffee beans and don't need this eurotrash nonsense diluting my mighty system of organs. On a totally unrelated note, I'd like to remind our readers that if you are looking to conduct any non-law firm business PLEASE REFRAIN FROM CONTACTING ME VIA THE E-MAIL POSTED. I have a seperate account to deal with such matters. Thank you.

Perry's Thought of the Day

A Hoosier is someone "who's sure" he's living in the best darn state in the union!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

If blondes really have more fun, it's just because they try harder to have fun.

A book to change your life

I read this years ago and found myself in need of it again during the recent crisis at Panini & Rye. I've ordered enough copies for everyone in the office, so hopefully we'll all be treated to stories of how our lives have been improved by orange socks!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Perry's Thought of the Day

Don't do drugs unless prescribed by a physician.

im back - gretchen please stop calling me

apparently no one here checks their voicemail.

i mean, i know i didnt. but thats because i haven't been home and my cell phone is for private use only. thats why no one here knows the number.

anyway, i left a voicemail on christmas eve at like midnight or so saying i might not be back for a little bit because i had a chance to visit some people out of state. I know i said id definitely be back by the 2nd but i figured we had that day off since we had new years off and that was a thursday. so i guess i dropped the ball on that one.

i guess you might not have understood my message since i was at a club that night and the dj really had the bass turned up LOUD but i think i was pretty careful about talking slowly and loudly so that shouldnt have been a problem.

anyhow i didn't get back until late last night, and when I woke up at 11 this morning there were like a hundred messages from gretchen. and only the first couple were polite if you ask me.

so yes i am here. and im sorry you didnt realize i would be gone. im also sorry that someone went into the files again. please whoever did this, dont try to reorganize the files again. ive said before and i hope i dont have to say again: alphabetizing isnt nuanced enough. my system may not make sense at first, but its much more efficient. just remember to ask for files when im at work if your going to need them when im off.

and angie thank you very much for youre message. it was very polite. (take note gretchen) i'm not sick at all but I do feel a little tired. it was a hectic week. i may have to take off early today to get caught up on my sleep.

please, nobody use the lotion i put in the fridge. i have to keep the tattoo moisturized, and it feels better cold.

Roger is safe


The New Year is upon us and is already eventful. I just returned from Montreal after receiving a phone call from the concierge at Le Hotel Champlain, demanding that I retrieve Roger Neff. Roger, it seems, was a victim of some kind of spiking, and he accidentally ingested a substance that induced extreme paranoia. He had blockaded himself in his room because was convinced that agents of the US government were trying to implant a monitoring device in his brain.

I arrived in Montreal on New Years Eve and spent the better part of the next two days negotiating with Roger to be let into his room. (Let me tell you, there is no tougher negotiator in the world than Roger Neff, even under the spell of a hallucinogen. Potential clients should feel safe trusting their deals to Roger.) The next two days are a blur even to myself. Stairwells and taxi cabs were involved, and there was a lot of screaming. Flashing lights and oppressive Canadian security agents. What a terrifying country.

But we are back in Purgatory and it feels good. Roger's recuperating and should be into work soon enough. I should add that my above outline is to serve as the official account of my trip and all others mere speculation or outright lies.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Perry's Thought of the Day

The early bird may get the worm but the kind bird helps others get their worms.

Two Notes

Two bits of business to report.
(1) Panini & Rye regrets to announce that one of our first clients, Bust-a-Moves, the Midwest's third-most popular chain of breakdance studios, will be ceasing operations. The Bush years took their toll on this venerable institution. I thank Max Flash for trusting us with his legal needs these past twenty-four years and wish him the best in his future endeavors. Every time I "moon walk" down the hallway, I can thank Max for teaching me that move.
(2) Our friends at the Picayune have weighed in on Panini & Rye's blog. I won't do them the dignity of quoting them at length, but I reject in the most strenuous language that this is "a cheap stunt" and that "it proves that Mr. Rye is oblivious to what goes on in his own firm." I take great pride in keeping my office door open and "hanging" with the staff. I assure everyone that there are no secrets here.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Perry's Thought of the Day

Bees spend their entire lives selflessly working for the betterment of  the hive. Are you making honey or just eating it?

The Final Push to 2009

Welcome back to work (for those who showed up; the hallways seem pretty barren this morning). You might notice a new espresso machine in the break room. I received several on the 25th and believed that it would be good for morale around here for gourmet coffee to be available. All that I ask is that the staff contribute the cost of the coffee and maintenance of the machine. Please speak to Gretchen whether you'd prefer to pay her weekly or have it deducted from your paychecks. 

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Perry's Thought of the Day

Go home everyone. Justice delayed for a few days won't kill us.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Perry's Thought of the Day

The best donut is the one that you are entitled to and no more.

Tough Love

Well, gang, I regret to inform you that the donut thief has neither "fessed up" nor curtailed his/her abuse of the one per rule. I've just returned from Roger's office and we agree that because this person has decided to spell "team" with an "I," we will not be distributing holiday bonuses to the staff this year (this does not include partners or lawyers, of course). No one regrets this more than I, but this season is about giving and not taking, but the thief started this with his/her taking of the donuts. The line has to be drawn somewhere.

Monday, December 22, 2008

howitzer mandel on rue marie-anne, pars tertia

angie (pretty sure you said your name was andy but whatever) are you my guardian angel? do jews believe in guardian angels? interoffice no-mance, i regret everything. i'm coming back tomorrow. maybe.

i expect wexler on my desk tomorrow, vic. am i joking?

no i'm staying here. keep your harpy eyes out of my morphine dreams devil woman! no angel you, angel-a. what's that vic says? a equals a. if i do return to p&r i'll bring gifts. for angie an autographed lp Songs of Leonard Cohen since he's both a montreal native and a member of your people.

so long marie-anne, it's time that we began

p.s. who is this rob guy? i have no memory of him. is he new? is he knew. nu-jazz? no jazz. as i said to the black guy (what's his name??) i love miles and trane.

i practice law from hammurabi, draco, and solon. if you don't see the conflict between the latter two get out of my face. i set traps for lesser lawyers so vic play it safe. yeah i'm the real humdinger g.

anyway i got a first volume vice issue waiting for me. peace out!

Perry's Thought of the Day

Actualize John Lennon's imagination!

the golden emperor speaks ex cathedra, pars secunda

ex cathedra is latin for "from the throne". it refers to papal infallibility. i'm referring to being on the toilet. because that's where i am right now. laptops are cool. actually i've got one laptop on top of another on top of my lap. an emperor must be conspicuous at all times.

as my demands have not yet been met, i have no intention of returning to indiana this week. the one you call "roger" is my hostage. only the golden emperor remains to speak.

though i graduated top of my class i have always cultivated a zen like disinterest in the practice of law. law for me is uninterupted life. in the words of a great man,

"i am, the law."

and here in montreal that is made truth by popular will. this is pure rouseau stuff. i am the sovreign by virtue of my spinning. i can sniff out rare tracks like a bloodhound. i have tracks devendra banhart ahsn't even written yet. out here charisma is the only power. whatever i look upon becomes mine. yet to own all is isolating. my fortune cookie said "unnecessary possessions are unnecessary burdens". the essence of desire is in not possessing. once we own a thing a person the desire dies and is replaced by possesiveness which is exactly what killed my marriage because she was jealous (womanizer sounds like a machine that makes women doesnt it?). as i once said to win butler, "after i bought it [neon bible] i knew i had to hide it it was so precious"

so here i am gretchen, perry, chris (wherever you are). do you want me? here's to the chase.

i am working today under protest

ok, so i came into work today. i wasnt planning 2 but vic got all pissed off because he couldnt find a bunch of wexler docs and called me at 3am threatening to shoot me. i dont think he was sober enough to aim straight then but i figured id pop in and put them on his desk before he got in today, becuase sober vic is scary vic.

that would be cool but it looked like he was impatient and tried to find them himself, really messing up the w drawer. and i think, judging by the bloodstains cutting himself really bad in the process. the drawers are locked for a reason. theres all sorts of stuff in there we dont need to be sharing. im not really sure a bowie knife is a good lockpick anyway.

of course the files werent even in w, because that would be inconsistent with where the other wexler files, which before i shredded them to keep mr panina from being indicted (fat lot of good that did, huh) were being kept under "files - transcripts - incriminating - badly mimeographed - wexler," in the b file cabinet (for "begins with a w"). i would have gladly told vic that, but im pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to find the b cabinet because the cabinet is labeled 's" for "second, sixth, seventh, and seventeeth letters of the alphabet." which has files beginning with "b," "c," and "pu-py" (im not sure how it was originally labelled that way, but I guess i miscounted a bit.

anyhow, all that would be fine but gretchen saw me before i could leave and told me that since i was already here i should finish out the day. also, something about having negative PTO hours right now which makes no sense because if there was negative time we'd be able to go back and win vietnam or free the slaves or something. which im pretty sure is still impossible.

anyway im working under protest becuase i said i wasnt coming in and then i did a favor and now i have to work which is totally unfair.

P & R business, December 22nd

Good morning, gang!

Two bits of sad news to start the week.
(1) The Fort Wayne Children's Zoo, one of our most valued clients, suffered a reprehensible act of violence this weekend when Kojak, their bald eagle, was shot in the wing. I want P & R on top of this matter. Vic, as the firm's ace sportsman and conservationist, I would appreciate you volunteering to head this one up. I should also remind you that you're quite deficient in your pro bono hours and the year is drawing to a close, so you'll be solving this case on "your own dime." As someone who cares about the great outdoors, however, I'm sure this will be a "labor of love."

(2) We have recently been suffering a rash of pastry thefts from the break room. Person or persons unknown have been taking more than their fair share of donuts and fritters. If this unteamworklike behavior continues, I will be forced to cancel our daily order from Kim's Kimchi and Donut Hut. This, I shouldn't have to remind you, will adversely affect an inspirational Korean-American business. That extra donut doesn't just add to the waistline, people, it hurts America's image.

C'mon, Panini & Rye, let's show 'em what we're made of!

An open message to fellow members of the wonderful P&R team

I want to remind everybody that while the premise of this blog is our great human right of free expression, we are representing P&R with our posts! Let's try and learn the value of discretion. Anyway, everybody's doing a great job of keeping this blog active! It's a pleasure to work with such a group of unique and diverse individuals. Happy holidays!!

montreal my home

i remain in montreal. no desire to return. here i am regarded as a god. they call me "golden emperor" and everywhere i am greeted with a mighty fanfare. when a crime is committed they bring the criminal and victim to me and i rule upon the matter. last night i pardoned a murderer. the day before i ordered the excution of a petty thief. this keeps the natives on their toes. they are afraid of me.

i am afraid of matthew mcconaughey.

due to my high status here among the cultural elite of montreal, i will only return if certain conditions are met.

conditions of my return to purgatory, indiana and the offices of panini & rye:
1. all my inferiors are to refer to me as "the golden emperor"
2. my entrance shall be greeted with fanfare--possibly the chorus of "uzi (pinky ring)" by wutang clan
3. my mixtapes will replace the current office music (smooth jazz is abomination)
4. as my ferns perish, so shall he who poisoned them
5. paralegal angie/andy (which is it? just make up your mind already) whateverwitz, the jewish girl, will be my exclsuive assistant
6. all existing internet restrictions shall be lifted and the people will enjoy the right oft torrent
7. i may impose any other conditions at any time as i see fit

happy holidays

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Working on Sunday

Well, working on Sunday. Couldn't find a single bald eagle yesterday in the wild, and I had to make do with shooting at the bald eagle kept at the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo. Upon reflection, my disgust at the restriction of freedom in this country continues. Some points:

  • I shouldn't need a concealed weapons permit for my firearms, and not allowing hunting rifles into a zoo is something Stalin would mandate.
  • Children today cry too much. It's not like I killed the bird, I only got it in the left wing. These kids today need to stop being pampered so much.
  • The Fort Wayne police are as easily duped as I remembered.

I'll bet the commies over at the Picayune make a mountain out of a molehill. It's like people think these animals too weak to hack it on their own deserve something besides blind scorn. Sometimes I just don't understand people.

Maybe I can finally make some progress on the Wexler Contract today.

Friday, December 19, 2008

hey again

still in montreal will be back in purgatory tomorrow did you check out failblog btw who is this rob guy i really hope my package is in the office ill text the tracking number to andy

Perry's Thought of the Day

My good friend and colleague, Roger Neff, once told me in a meeting, "You're twisting my melon, man." I didn't quite know what he meant, but it's always stuck with me. I think it's valuable to remember those things that we don't know because it makes us treasure those things we do know.

fRyeday Recap for December 19th

For the last twenty years or so, I’ve been circulating weekly summaries around the office every Friday. I call them fRyeday Recaps, and I’ve found that everybody loves them. It’s good for morale to know how the business is doing, and good morale is better than money, I’ve found.

Now that we’re in the “electronic age,” the fRyeday Recaps will also be put on the “blog” so that the people of Purgatory and Golem County can have their spirits boosted. Enjoy!

(1) A big round of congratulations to our ace attorney, Vic Graine, who successfully settled the lawsuit between Blackbird School Buses and The O’Connor School for the Hearing Impaired. I’m confident that everyone involved is happy with the resolution to this troubling incident. Keep up the good work, Vic—you’ll make partner before you know it!

(2) I understand that Robert Livermore, our ace filing clerk, is out sick today, so we need to come up with a better system for shoveling the walk outside. I recommend the kids at the O’Connor School for the Hearing Impaired. Those little “sparkplugs” can never replace Robert’s skill with a shovel, but I know they’ll give it their best. Plus it’ll prove to all the naysayers that the hearing impaired are just as good as everyone else.

(3) The holiday season is upon us, as you know, and I’d like to remind you all of the annual Panini & Rye Old T-Shirt Secret Santa drive for the needy. Bring in your old t-shirts and we’ll donate them to the indigents of Purgatory. I hate to give up my 1982 Jackson Brown tour shirt, but it’s for a good cause. Show us what you’ve worn, Panini & Rye!

(4) Also on the topic of holiday season, I’d like to remind everyone to remember to greet clients with “Happy holidays.” Also acceptable, if you know that it is “safe” to do so, Happy Hanukah, Happy Ramadan, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Winter Solstice. I know you know that I don’t have too many rules about this kind of thing, but the word Christmas should be avoided.

(5) And a big “shout out,” as my lovely daughter Janis says, to Angie, our ace paralegal who keeps us all smiling every day. Your people are a constant inspiration.

(6) Finally, I was recently asked to speak before Mrs. O’Leary’s class of fifth graders—no higher honour, I assure you—and talk about being a lawyer in Purgatory’s greatest law firm. Let me tell you, a few of those kids would give our crack team of litigators a “run for their money.” I think we’d all benefit from the wisdom of tomorrow, so here is a transcript of the “Q & A” session.

Toby, 11: What’s your favorite amendment to the Constitution?
Perry Rye, Esq: The seventeenth.

Cassandra, 11: Is being a lawyer hard?
Perry Rye, Esq: It’s very hard work. But it’s also very important to help other people. And being a lawyer is all about helping people. If you’re really good at being a lawyer, though, someday you can buy a Jag. C’mon, kids, come to the window and see my Jag!

Anita, 10: Is the portrayal of lawyers in shows like Law & Order in any way accurate?
Perry Rye, Esq: I don’t really watch those shows because they glorify violence and portray women and minorities in a negative light.

Roy, 11: Have you ever, like, gotten a murderer off, and then he killed a whole bunch of other people, and you, like, knew it was totally your fault, and then the victims’ families tried to sue you and you had to destroy them in court, even though they’d already suffered and you knew they were actually right?
Perry Rye, Esq: No comment.

Lance, 10: Why won’t you answer Roy’s question?
Mrs. O’Leary: Roy, Lance, questioning others is a privilege, not a right.

Lindsey, 11: If you could be an animal, what kind of animal would you want to be?
Perry Rye, Esq: What a great question! Wow! I think I’d like to be a unicorn, because they were magical and always helped other animals.

Eddie, 16: What’s your opinion of the sodomy laws in Texas?
Mrs. O’Leary: I think that’s enough for today.

hey vic

are you down to hang sat night will be spinning some bangin tunes by the way whats the progress on the wexler contract

hey you guys im emailing frm my blackberry

im in montreal right now love it check this out that should lighten your day vic hey andy has my package come in yet its ups this is hard so im gonna go

Okay so, comments

i got up this morning because my friends called me and said their flight was cancelled. Im not coming in tho' because i'm in an "off day" mindset. Please dont touch the files.

one thing Id like to discuss is the possibility of adding comments becuase im not the kind of person to start a whole new blog entry to defend myself against attacks on my personality. just becuase i dont see the need to step on everyones throat just to park 2 spaces closer to the building doesnt make me stupid. and i know a=a. that's like saying 5=5 and id like to point out that a blog is supposed to be about free exchange of ideas not just putting out the "establishment" position.

anyway, im gonna go back to bed because USA is showing a couple of episodes of walker texas ranger and i dont have tivo because panina and rye dont pay me enough for that. See you all tuesday (or maybe wednesday i think i might be coming down with a cold).

Wow! What a wonderful thing this is

I'm really excited that Mr Rye's vision of free expression through cutting edge communications technology allows us to frankly and openly present our day to day working attitude to the public! Panini & Rye is a great asset to the community and I'm sure that in getting to know us you will gain even more confidence in our ability to provide you the client with the best legal service in all of Golem County! :)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

This Cannot Be Tolerated!

It's 11:30pm and I was planning on leaving work a half hour earlier than my usual time of midnight when I noticed vagrants sleeping in the doorway of P&R! If I've told management once, I've told them a thousand times: P&R cannot appear to be soft on the hobo problem. Nasty little things fester in a community, encouraged to live their filthy homeless lifestyles by weak-willed do-gooders blinded by fools such as Comte and Kant. It's high time that we as a firm stood up and ran these cancerous cretins - too lazy to get jobs - out of town for good!

Fortunately, I found several weeks worth of Mr. Neff's expired produce in the employee lounge (which, fear not, I'll be adding to my list of transgressions) and hurled the fetid vegetables at the filthy mongrels as they were sleeping. I think I was able to trick their primitive minds into believing I was some sort of spirit god, because they gibbered into the night about some sort of "raging asholman," which I can only assume to be some simple hobo deity. In any case, I think it will be some time before our doorways are again darkened by the deservedly destitute.

You're welcome.

Perry's Thought of the Day

It's easy to blow out the candle of hope, but it takes inner fire to light it. Be the spark of your world.

A Request to Our Readers

I've already received a few e-mails and I would like to make it perfectly clear to anyone who reads this blog that the supplied e-mail address on here is for P&R business only! Please direct any other business you may have with me to my Yahoo account. Trust me, this is for your protection more than mine.

sorry mr. rye

i just want to go on record with a public apology to mr. rye because of what just happened at todays raffle for the used Geo Prism.

but in my defense you think if a raffle isnt open to employees you'd put it in bigger type. is that even legal to not let people enter a public contest?

anyway, im sorry that you had to redraw the winner six times before you got someone that wasnt me. Also, i'm sorry i yelled the "f-word" so loudly when Angie told me i wasnt allowed to enter. I hope mrs rye didn't take that personally. I was closer to her than i thought.

An Open Message Regarding Rob

To Rob: I could quote Rand all day to you if I wanted but I sincerely doubt you're capable of appreciating her genius.

To All: I just want to go on record as saying that I think this blog is a great idea. The people have lost trust in our firm, and it will soon become clear that some individuals represent the dead weight and lack of commitment that has led to that loss of trust. I'm not going to name names (yet), but certain individuals have already displayed an egregious lack of work ethic which I'm sure will be noted by both the public and appropriate members of P&R. For my part, I plan on submitting my list of noted offenses to both the proper individuals within the firm as well as making highlights of those offenses available here on this blog. Stay tuned, with my help P&R will once again regain its luster!

Allow me to close with what I feel is a timely and topical quote:
The question isn't 'who is going to let me'; it's 'who is going to stop me'. 
-Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead (up yours, Rob)

An open message to my fellow employees

i figured it would be easier to communicate using this blog than by email since apparently everyone in this place finds it easier to use "reply all" 4 every mundane exhange at panina & rye and i dont want my inbox clogged with Obama jokes and banana bread recipes. Or quotes from the Fountainhead. Vic im looking in your direction.

anyway, i just wanted to make it very clear that i am not responsible 4 the care of the ferns outside of roger b. neff, esquire's office. it seems like every time they die someone casts a dirty look at my cubicle. like i did something wrong.

also, i dont know if any of u noticed but i took the liberty of ordering a label maker for the break room. i'm using hot pink tape because i think it will be more noticable. since no matter how big i write my name on my dr. peppers it still seems like someone drinks them. unless the big ROB in block letters looks like someone elses name. like maybe ROGER. i'm just spitballing here.

and thirdly: im repeating in case anyone forgot or missed my email that im not going 2 be in tomorrow becuase i have friends coming in from out of town. i know i don't have vacation days left, gretchen, but i figured maybe you could slide me a few from next year since its almost here. please nobody touch the files while im out. every time someone does it takes me like a thousand hours to get it fixed. i know where everything is and i'd like to keep it that way. if you need something for a case or something wait until tuesday when i get back.

lastly, Mr. rye said we all have to put our emails out on this blog but only email me if its really important. Im swamped right now.

I almost forgot. gretchen: I need monday off too.

hey does this thing work?

hey there, check out this uncensored video by THE CRIBS the best indie group in england today wish i was back there partying with these guys NSFW

EDIT: Roger, a not safe for work (NSFW) video/link is inappropriate on a work-related blog. Please don't do that again. I've replaced it with the censored version, but really you shouldn't be posting music videos. Sorry to be a stickler. Hope you have a great day tomorrow! I do like the song. - Angie

Welcome to our "blog"!


I would like to welcome you to what I am confidant is an exciting new chapter in the history of Panini & Rye—the official Panini & Rye “blog”! As you all must know, Panini & Rye has always led the way in innovative new ways to service the public. When Chris Panini and I “hung out our shingle” in 1982, nobody in Golem County had thought to use billboards to “spread the word.” No other law firm had thought to sponsor car raffles. Certainly nobody had thought to regularly offering discount coupons for legal services. So we’ve always led the way, going where few have trod.

But why now, Mr. Rye, you might ask. As you probably know, the Panini & Rye family suffered a tragedy recently when Chris Panini entered federal custody. I won’t go into specifics because it serves no interests other than the fascists at The Purgatory Picayune. Let me digress for a moment. I wholly reject the Picayune’s claim that Panini & Rye “represents all that is rotten with the practice of law in this country.” Maybe the editors haven’t looked at enough law firms in this country. Maybe the editors don’t think sponsoring the Purgatory Troubled Teen Touch Football League as worthy. I disagree. If I thought a lawsuit would solve anything, I’d pursue that course, but sometimes it’s best to take one’s crucification like a man. I nevertheless realize that the noble visage of Panini & Rye has suffered a black eye and is in need of some make-up.

Last month, I took some time off and visited the forests of outside of town, hiking, swimming, communing, seeking guidance. As so often happens, I found inspiration from William Jefferson Clinton, America’s greatest president, who urged us to get on “the information superhighway of the 21st century.” I’m a firm believer that the “Internet” is here to stay and that “web logs,” or “blogs” are an ideal way of communicating to the public. Thus was born an idea!

I have asked the rest of the Panini & Rye family—partners, associates and staff—to participate in this “blog,” to share their experiences working at and living at Purgatory’s greatest law firm. I am confident that as you get to know us better, to experience our chi, you will give us back your trust. I encourage you to “email” myself and anyone else at Panini & Rye and tell us what you think, what you want from us.

Thank you for your time,
Perry Rye, Esq.