fRyeday Recap for December 19th

For the last twenty years or so, I’ve been circulating weekly summaries around the office every Friday. I call them fRyeday Recaps, and I’ve found that everybody loves them. It’s good for morale to know how the business is doing, and good morale is better than money, I’ve found.

Now that we’re in the “electronic age,” the fRyeday Recaps will also be put on the “blog” so that the people of Purgatory and Golem County can have their spirits boosted. Enjoy!

(1) A big round of congratulations to our ace attorney, Vic Graine, who successfully settled the lawsuit between Blackbird School Buses and The O’Connor School for the Hearing Impaired. I’m confident that everyone involved is happy with the resolution to this troubling incident. Keep up the good work, Vic—you’ll make partner before you know it!

(2) I understand that Robert Livermore, our ace filing clerk, is out sick today, so we need to come up with a better system for shoveling the walk outside. I recommend the kids at the O’Connor School for the Hearing Impaired. Those little “sparkplugs” can never replace Robert’s skill with a shovel, but I know they’ll give it their best. Plus it’ll prove to all the naysayers that the hearing impaired are just as good as everyone else.

(3) The holiday season is upon us, as you know, and I’d like to remind you all of the annual Panini & Rye Old T-Shirt Secret Santa drive for the needy. Bring in your old t-shirts and we’ll donate them to the indigents of Purgatory. I hate to give up my 1982 Jackson Brown tour shirt, but it’s for a good cause. Show us what you’ve worn, Panini & Rye!

(4) Also on the topic of holiday season, I’d like to remind everyone to remember to greet clients with “Happy holidays.” Also acceptable, if you know that it is “safe” to do so, Happy Hanukah, Happy Ramadan, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Winter Solstice. I know you know that I don’t have too many rules about this kind of thing, but the word Christmas should be avoided.

(5) And a big “shout out,” as my lovely daughter Janis says, to Angie, our ace paralegal who keeps us all smiling every day. Your people are a constant inspiration.

(6) Finally, I was recently asked to speak before Mrs. O’Leary’s class of fifth graders—no higher honour, I assure you—and talk about being a lawyer in Purgatory’s greatest law firm. Let me tell you, a few of those kids would give our crack team of litigators a “run for their money.” I think we’d all benefit from the wisdom of tomorrow, so here is a transcript of the “Q & A” session.

Toby, 11: What’s your favorite amendment to the Constitution?
Perry Rye, Esq: The seventeenth.

Cassandra, 11: Is being a lawyer hard?
Perry Rye, Esq: It’s very hard work. But it’s also very important to help other people. And being a lawyer is all about helping people. If you’re really good at being a lawyer, though, someday you can buy a Jag. C’mon, kids, come to the window and see my Jag!

Anita, 10: Is the portrayal of lawyers in shows like Law & Order in any way accurate?
Perry Rye, Esq: I don’t really watch those shows because they glorify violence and portray women and minorities in a negative light.

Roy, 11: Have you ever, like, gotten a murderer off, and then he killed a whole bunch of other people, and you, like, knew it was totally your fault, and then the victims’ families tried to sue you and you had to destroy them in court, even though they’d already suffered and you knew they were actually right?
Perry Rye, Esq: No comment.

Lance, 10: Why won’t you answer Roy’s question?
Mrs. O’Leary: Roy, Lance, questioning others is a privilege, not a right.

Lindsey, 11: If you could be an animal, what kind of animal would you want to be?
Perry Rye, Esq: What a great question! Wow! I think I’d like to be a unicorn, because they were magical and always helped other animals.

Eddie, 16: What’s your opinion of the sodomy laws in Texas?
Mrs. O’Leary: I think that’s enough for today.