i remain in montreal. no desire to return. here i am regarded as a god. they call me "golden emperor" and everywhere i am greeted with a mighty fanfare. when a crime is committed they bring the criminal and victim to me and i rule upon the matter. last night i pardoned a murderer. the day before i ordered the excution of a petty thief. this keeps the natives on their toes. they are afraid of me.
i am afraid of matthew mcconaughey.
due to my high status here among the cultural elite of montreal, i will only return if certain conditions are met.
conditions of my return to purgatory, indiana and the offices of panini & rye:
1. all my inferiors are to refer to me as "the golden emperor"
2. my entrance shall be greeted with fanfare--possibly the chorus of "uzi (pinky ring)" by wutang clan
3. my mixtapes will replace the current office music (smooth jazz is abomination)
4. as my ferns perish, so shall he who poisoned them
5. paralegal angie/andy (which is it? just make up your mind already) whateverwitz, the jewish girl, will be my exclsuive assistant
6. all existing internet restrictions shall be lifted and the people will enjoy the right oft torrent
7. i may impose any other conditions at any time as i see fit
happy holidays
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Oh dear god.
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