Friday, January 16, 2009

I am alive, well, and ready to work!

Well, I'm back.

That was a rough time. I've been inundated with emails, calls, and co-workers dropping by my cubicle requesting I explain what happened, and I think it would be more efficient to put the story up here on the blog:

I don't remember much from Monday evening until early Thursday morning. The last thing I remember clearly was feeling a sudden urge to dance. Then a lot of fever dreams about bats and some sort of multilegged demon that lived in my peripheral vision. And something about some evil scientists attempting to hook me up to a machine. Then I woke up in a jail cell.

From what the arresting officer told me, I had been found wandering in my own front yard swinging a broken torchiere lamp at various invisible members of what I called "The Cabal," naked except for a turban made out of a torn piece of my living room curtain. I had apparently thrown my roommate's recliner through my living room picture window to "escape." My roommmate is going to kill me when he gets back from Belize.

Thankfully, Golem County's Finest got to me before frostbite and/or hypothermia set in. And the ever-reliable Angie Pedowitz really showed her mettle by bailing me out and taking care of me yesterday (I don't mind telling you, I was more than a little "out of sorts") - not to mention talking the police out of sending me to the Purgatory Pines Mental Health clinic for 48 hour observation! I owe you big time, girl.

A "tox screen" taken upon my admittance showed no readily identifiable drugs, though they've sent it to Indianapolis for a fuller battery of tests. Thankfully, my adult criminal record is clean, though I'm going to have to stand trial in a few weeks, and probably have to take a battery of psychiatric examinations to determine the true cause of my "Acute Dementia."

At any rate, I'm just so glad to be alive and well that I've decided to turn over a new leaf. Gone is the old "slacker" Rob Livermore! Say hello to the new, dedicated Rob Livermore! I'm ready to do my part to make Panina and Rye the best law firm in Golem County, if not the entire state! No more 3-hour lunches and 18-bathroom-break days! No more leaving 15 minutes early every day! No more converting to a new religion every time a holiday rolls around!

If anyone needs me today, I'll be in Central Files. That place is a mess.

P.S. - Roger, I took the liberty of watering and pruning the ferns outside your office. They looked a little scraggly.

P.P.S. - Is anyone here missing a Blackberry? I found one in my kitchen cabinet yesterday evening when I was putting away all the cans and boxes that were inexplicably strewn around my apartment. It has an embossed decal which reads "[expletive deleted] Nathaniel Branden" and a picture of some old guy who looks like George Hamilton with a red "Ghostbuster" circle around his face, if that helps. I'd turn it on to see if I could tell whose it is, but the battery seems to be dead.

1 comment:

  1. It's so good to have you back home safe at P&R, Rob! I'm glad I could help! :) I hope you enjoyed the movies yesterday.

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